30 years of this one wild and precious life

*“Olivia Anne” peony created by my late Grandma Jean.*

I’ve been looking forward to turning 30 since I entered my late 20s. And with my birthday 48 hours away, I am feeling really hopeful and excited. Some say once you enter your 30s, you eventually stop worrying about what the world thinks about you and you start living your life on your own terms.

I feel that in my core. And I have never in my life felt more certain and whole in my life.

*Blue Star Highway (Sometime in the early 90s)*

In March 2021, I started a list called “thoughts on turning 29” in my iPhone notes. At that time, I was going to publish a blog post to celebrate entering the last year of a decade. But, alas, my iPhone notes never made it to blog post form.

So here I am, a few days away from 30, reflecting on what I wrote down as lessons learned all the way up to 29. Reading these notes remind me how the past year (or two) have been the first years in my life since being a teenager (or even a young kid) that I felt the most like myself and accepted myself as I am now. Of course, this was also made possible through multiple job changes and staying home for two years during a global pandemic — while also spending those years learning and growing through therapy and reading lots of books on self compassion.

As I think about my lifetime so far, I am filled with a lot of gratitude for where I am today. Even talking to my dad this week, he reminds me that I’ve done so much in my time here on earth. You’re right, dad. I have a lot to be proud of and thankful for as I celebrate this milestone year.

I spent a lot of my 20s searching for more. Searching for meaning. Finding my purpose.

And that’s natural. Because looking back on the decade with the “wisdom” of approaching 30, I understand now how the 20s is a period of continued growth and learning.

And loads of attempts at trying to figure it out.

So when I reflect on this birthday, I think one version of myself would say, “I have changed a lot in the last two years of my twenties.”

But what I really mean is:

“I am so much closer to being who I’ve been my entire life.”

OK, queue my watery eyes.

*One of those magical fall days where I felt like my life was a movie for a moment (October 2021)*

I wanted to call this blog post “30 lessons in 30 years” but there’s a lot more to this list. These lessons here are ones that have stuck out in recent years and some are reminders that I am exactly where I need to be and I’m exactly the person I’m meant to be. All while continuing to learn new pieces of myself as the years go on.

So without further adieu (hi, Wordle fans), let’s dive into the list of lessons learned I documented in March 2021 and see where it takes us by the end.

From the archives of my iPhone notes:

“Thoughts on turning 29 / last year of 20s”

March 19, 2021 at 8:59 a.m.

Yes, time flies. So don’t worry so much if you’re making the most of it — just live.

You learn how to declutter and simplify your life in your 20s — and it makes you feel so much more calm and happy.

Grace not perfect.

Your best is enough. And your best will look different each day.

Be kind to yourself.

I love myself exactly the way I am now.

Be present. It’s the greatest gift.

Your body will change. You’ll want to mourn bodies of the past but then you remember you have a beautiful and amazing body right now. (Fast forward to March 2022: You have learned how to love and celebrate your body for what it is today and in every season because it will continue changing forever.)

You are smart and bright and a gifted writer.

You don’t need to be so hard on yourself.

You are capable.

You are creative.

A global pandemic showed you that you can forget any 5- or 10-year plan. (That’s for my 23-year-old self).

You have no one to impress. And you absolutely don’t need to impress yourself.

I’m proud of myself.

You don’t have to put so much pressure on yourself to keep up.

It’s OK to desire a life that looks different from the rest of the world’s version of a life well lived.

Try not to make assumptions. But if you do make assumptions, try to assume positive intent.

Ask questions. Over communicate.

Text your friends.

There are lots of thoughts swirling in your head all of the time. Recognize them and see them as clouds floating in the wind. Or a bus passing you on Lake Drive. Or a kayak on a river.

February 2022 additions:

You’ll learn three months before your birthday that keeping up with how people perceive you is exhausting (thank you Brené Brown) and it makes you accept yourself even more. The best reminder for turning 30.

Self compassion changed your life.

Your brain was wired to please, be responsible, and perfect for 28 years. You began the journey of rewiring your brain a year ago to let go, and you’ve never been more you and more at peace in your entire life. And you know it’s a lifetime work in progress.

Year 29 was the year of boundaries. The year of feeling less guilty. The year of no. You can show you care without sacrificing your needs.

You’ll change the voice inside your head to one that is kinder.

You will see the impact you make on others and the world by simply being you.

“Be yourself” is the best career/life advice I ever received (in 2019).

You don’t have to work so hard.

Ease and peace of heart and mind. That’s my life goal.

I am worthy.

I love to read. And host book clubs.

The beach is still my favorite place.

Two years of therapy also changed my life.

I am passionate about communicating.

I still want to be an author. A dream since the first grade.

I can officially say I’ve seen both coasts before 30 (East Coast and West Coast!)

So that’s the list. While writing this my eyes fill up with tears because I just have so much love for myself. And I’m proud of myself.

I learned growing through your 20s is hard. A lot happens in that decade. It’s a lot of learning and bumps and figuring out what to do, who to listen to and who not to listen to. Now that I’m a few days away from turning 30, I have a good idea of whose voices matter. And most of all, I’ve arrived at a place where I love everything about myself.

Imperfections, flaws, quirks and all.

Now, I look forward to a decade of stepping into myself even more.

So if I have learned 30 lessons in 30 years, what I’ll summarize in a single sentence:

There is nothing more you need to do or be anything else but the person you are.

How I’m learning how to use my power and influence

Out of office: How to prepare for vacation from work